You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

School is a place were you go to eat your lunch

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.

I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.