You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.

It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.

I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.

Hey, did somebody step on a duck?

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.