You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.

I can't get no respect.

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.

School is a place were you go to eat your lunch

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.