You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.