You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!

It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.

Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.