When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.

He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!

Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.