I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.

When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.