I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.

I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.

[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.