I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!