When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!