When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

School is a place were you go to eat your lunch

Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.

My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.