When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.

When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it. Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers.

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.