When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.

I can't get no respect.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.