With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.