With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.