With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".