With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.

When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.

I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.