When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.

He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.