When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.

A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!

My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.