When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.