When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.

I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.

I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.