When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!