Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.

My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.