Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.

My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!