Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.

Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.

I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!