Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.

With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.

He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.