If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?

When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.