If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.