If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.