I don't get no respect

With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.