I don't get no respect

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.

I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.