I don't get no respect

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.

I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!