When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.

It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.

I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.

I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.

Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.

At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.