When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.

My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.

It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.

She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.