When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.

I don't get no respect, no respect at all!

Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles