When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.