Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"