Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.