I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.