When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.