When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.

At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.