When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.

Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.