When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.