I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.