I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.

I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.

I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.