The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.

I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.