The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".

My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.