The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.

I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.