When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.