When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.