I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!

I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.