I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

I don't get no respect, no respect at all!

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.