I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.

Life's a short trip. You'll find out.

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.