I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.