I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

I was a poster child... for birth control!

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".

...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.