I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.