I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.