I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.