I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

School is a place were you go to eat your lunch

I have three kids, one of each.

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.