I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.

You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.

When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!