I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.