I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.

I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.