I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!

Hey, did somebody step on a duck?

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.