My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.

It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.

Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.

I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.

I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.