My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.