With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.