With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."