With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.