With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.

She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

My wife gives good headache.

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.