Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

My wife gives good headache.

Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.