Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.

With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.