Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.