With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.