With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

I don't get no respect, no respect at all!

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I was a poster child... for birth control!