With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.

I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.