Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.
What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.
I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.
I was a poster child... for birth control!
The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.