Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.

I have three kids, one of each.

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.

My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.