Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.

My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.