Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

Hey, did somebody step on a duck?

My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.