Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".