Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.