Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.

I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.