All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.

My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.

When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.

I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.