All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.