I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.