I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.