I'm gonna put all my money into taxes. They're sure to go up.

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

Democracy means doing whatever you want without asking permission of anybody but your boss, your doctor, your lawyer, your landlord, your bank, your city, your state and federal authorities, and your wife and children.

Just try to be happy. Unhappiness starts with wanting to be happier.

When I was a boy I used to do what my father wanted. Now I have to do what my boy wants. My problem is: When am I going to do what I want?

I'm going to stop putting things off, starting tomorrow!

At the U.N., any nation that fights back is censored as an "aggressor."