You must pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please ignore this notice.

Life begins at forty, but so does arthritis, and the habit of telling the same story three times to the same person.

Learn from other people's mistakes. Life is too short to make them all yourself.

Democracy means doing whatever you want without asking permission of anybody but your boss, your doctor, your lawyer, your landlord, your bank, your city, your state and federal authorities, and your wife and children.

It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, 'Remember, my son, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.'

If you owe fifty dollars you're a piker; if you owe fifty thousand dollars you're a businessman; if you owe fifty million dollars you're a tycoon; if you owe fifty billion dollars you're the government.

Any kid who has two parents who are interested in him and has a houseful of books isn't poor.