It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, 'Remember, my son, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.'

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

Don't watch the clock; do what it does. Keep going.

I'm gonna put all my money into taxes. They're sure to go up.

Give your child a spanking once a day. If you don't know why, he does.

Any beast can cry over the misfortunes of its own child. It takes a mensch to weep for others' children.