Courage is walking naked through a cannibal village

Our toaster has two settings: too soon or too late.

If you owe fifty dollars you're a piker; if you owe fifty thousand dollars you're a businessman; if you owe fifty million dollars you're a tycoon; if you owe fifty billion dollars you're the government.

When I was a boy I used to do what my father wanted. Now I have to do what my boy wants. My problem is: When am I going to do what I want?

You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can't possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.

If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.

Life begins at forty, but so does arthritis, and the habit of telling the same story three times to the same person.