Comedy can't live within my second-guesses, so I started doing new material. Sometimes I bombed. But you have to be willing to if you want to move forward and stay vital. It's like people who take pride in not having a computer. I'm all, "Great, don't learn new things! Your brain is full!"

Some people say my humor focuses too much on stereotypes. It doesn't. It focuses on facts.

I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.

In the big picture, life has a gap in it. It just does. You don't go crazy trying to fill it.

Dear America, when you tell gay Americans that they can't serve their country openly or marry the person that they love, you're telling that to kids too. So don't be f**king shocked and wonder where all these bullies are coming from that are torturing young kids and driving them to kill themselves because they're different; they learned it from watching you.

I love going to weddings. And I love it when my friends get married. I'm not against marriage but it's just not for me. I'm a vegetarian, but I don't have a problem if you want a hamburger.

I don't like people whose job it isn't to be funny, to tell me what is and isn't funny.