Comedy can't live within my second-guesses, so I started doing new material. Sometimes I bombed. But you have to be willing to if you want to move forward and stay vital. It's like people who take pride in not having a computer. I'm all, "Great, don't learn new things! Your brain is full!"

In your twenties, I think you should have all of the sex that you're inclined to have, as long as you're safe about it. Use condoms and everything. Go with your instincts. This is the time to have a lot of sex and do drugs. But make sure you live through it.

When I came out to L. A., I got a part in an episode of 'Star Trek: Voyager,' and I hired an acting coach.

It feels weird in our ear holes to hear people worshipping a guy named Ron. We know Rons in our life.

Since so many people these days don't seem to start their families until around age forty, I predict there will be less child beating, but more slipped disks from lifting babies out of cribs. Even the father of advanced age who's not inclined to spare the rod is likely to suffer more than his victim: The first punch he throws might well be the last straw for his rotator cuff, reducing his disciplinary options to mere verbal abuse and napping.

She, uh, came out of the closet recently, my niece. Um... She announced to the family that she's a lesbian and... She's seven, did I mention that? And, uh, I don't even know if she knows what a lesbian is, but I support her completely. And, uh... I'll tell you what's heartbreaking. My sister punished her for it. Can you believe that? No pussy for a week. Which to us may not sound like... But when you're seven, you know, a week is a long time.

Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people who believes it was the blacks.