I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.

In the '80s especially, a lot of comedians felt compelled to stick with what made them famous and those people became caricatures.

When I was 17, I read a profile of Carol Leifer. Since then, I wanted to be her. I still want to be her.

I happen to think that there are already tons of perfectly good babies out there already born.

Jews are the most liberal, scrappy, civil-rightsy people there are.

It's funny how people will think I'm being sarcastic a lot and joking. So I'll say, "I like your dress," and they'll go "(bleep) you!" Or I say something serious and they go, "Oh, yeah, ha-ha." They're strangers. They're people who know me from comedy, but luckily I am on pretty much all the time!

When I was 9 or 10 years old, my dad took me over to a neighboring farm to help get stuff for the meal. The farmer, Vic, told me to look at all the turkeys and pick one out. I saw a cute one with a silly walk and cried, 'Him!' Before my pointing finger had even dropped to my side, Vic had grabbed the turkey by the neck and slit [the animal's] throat. Blood and feathers went flying. I had sentenced that turkey to death! Up until then, I didn't know where meat came from—and I've been a vegetarian ever since.