Unvisited tombstones, unread diaries, and erased video game high-score rankings are three of the most potent symbols of mankind's pathetic and fruitless attempts at immortality.

In the '80s especially, a lot of comedians felt compelled to stick with what made them famous and those people became caricatures.

Don’t forget, God can see you masturbating. But don’t stop. He’s almost there.

Guess what, Martin Luther King? I had a dream, too.

The good news is hopeful doesn't mean dumb. The bad news is cynical doesn't mean smart.

I became known for surprising audiences. Except now, if I surprise them every time, they expect that.

I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.