Unvisited tombstones, unread diaries, and erased video game high-score rankings are three of the most potent symbols of mankind's pathetic and fruitless attempts at immortality.

I hope the Jews did kill Christ, I'd do it again in a second.

When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS.

I like trying jokes and seeing the response, and if I end up doing it in my act, it won't be 140 characters. Twitter is helpful that way to me. It's like a message in a bottle. But a lot of times I think I tweet the stuff I would like to say to teenage me.

The sun shines directly on this great country, and it can be harvested, it's not owned by anybody. It's something the Jews and the Palestinians share and could work together to make the whole world a better place, not just this Middle East stuff, but the whole world.

I feel so confident and awesome and sexy when I'm with people who are older than me, and I've always been surrounded by people who are older than me. But to be vital in comedy, you have to exist in a world that's dominated by young people.

I don't think there is a woman in her 40s who doesn't, kind of, examine herself in the mirror.