When you’re a bed wetter there’s only one group of people you can feel better than, bed shitters, and unfortunately they’re hard to come by.

I will always try to be happy. I don’t think people really understand the value of happiness until they know what it’s like to be in that very, very dark place. It’s not romantic. Not even a little.

I became known for surprising audiences. Except now, if I surprise them every time, they expect that.

I'd rather have a girl exposed to me than 25 women in prom dresses vying for a stranger.

Mommy is one of the chosen people … and daddy believes that Jesus is magic!

As soon as a women gets to an age where she has opinions and she's vital and she's strong, she's systematically shamed into hiding under a rock.

I can get a script and go, "Well, I'd rather do stand-up." I don't hold movies in higher regard. I love making videos and posting. I love TV.