Sometimes a joke that doesn't work just needs a breath or a little word or the tiniest little change to be fixed.

I first did stand-up when I was 17, and then I passed out fliers for a comedy club (in New York City) and I got onstage whenever I could. And musical theater went out the window as soon as I started doing stand-up.

I don't think half my stuff would be funny if the audience didn't feel at least a little bit safe that it's not how I truly feel.

Women don't ask to be raped, but there are some that are asking to be motorboated

If I have kids, I'll adopt.

When I was 9 or 10 years old, my dad took me over to a neighboring farm to help get stuff for the meal. The farmer, Vic, told me to look at all the turkeys and pick one out. I saw a cute one with a silly walk and cried, 'Him!' Before my pointing finger had even dropped to my side, Vic had grabbed the turkey by the neck and slit [the animal's] throat. Blood and feathers went flying. I had sentenced that turkey to death! Up until then, I didn't know where meat came from—and I've been a vegetarian ever since.

I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.