The marketing department uses many advanced techniques to match products and buyers in a way that mximizes profits. For example, they give away keychains.

Your business clothes are naturally attracted to staining liquids. This attraction is strongest just before an important meeting.

I was surprised to learn that doing household chores qualifies as romantic for most of you [women]. That's exactly why you should never hire a butler if you strike it rich - the minute that Jeeves starts unloading the dishwasher without being asked, your wife is going to start humping his leg.

As a rule, I don't like to laugh at the misfortune of others. The exception to that rule is if it's really, really funny.

Frankly, I’m suspicious of anyone who has a strong opinion on a complicated issue.

I have infinite capacity to do more work as long as you don't mind that my quality approaches zero.

Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.