If your boss gets drunk and offers to photocopy her posterior, do not helpfully suggest pressing reduce 75%.

Scientists often invent words to fill the holes in their understanding.These words are meant as conveniences until real understanding can be found. ... Words such as dimension and field and infinity ... are not descriptions of reality, yet we accept them as such because everyone is sure someone else knows what the words mean.

You might argue that my example is bad because Einstein is dead. But according to physicist Erwin Schrodinger, Einstein is neither dead nor alive until we dig him up and open the casket. If he's alive, he might want his brain back, which I understand is in a Ziplock bag in some guy's freezer. And this is a perfect example of why examples always distract from the main point.

If you don't believe your salmon is wild, ask it to fetch your newspaper and see what happens.

If you spend all your time arguing with people who are nuts, you'll be exhausted and the nuts will still be nuts.

As a rule, I don't like to laugh at the misfortune of others. The exception to that rule is if it's really, really funny.

Highly intelligent and well-informed people disagree on every political issue. Therefore, intelligence and knowledge are useless for making decisions, because if any of that stuff helped, then all the smart people would have the same opinions. So use your "gut instinct" to make voting choices. That is exactly like being clueless, but with the added advantage that you'll feel as if your random vote preserved democracy.