If your boss gets drunk and offers to photocopy her posterior, do not helpfully suggest pressing reduce 75%.

If you don't believe your salmon is wild, ask it to fetch your newspaper and see what happens.

In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car.

You don't have to be a 'person of influence' to be influential. In fact, the most influential people in my life are probably not even aware of the things they've taught me.

Everything you learn becomes a shortcut for understanding something else.

The children are our future. And that is why, ultimately, we're screwed unless we do something about it. If you haven't noticed, the children who are our future are good-looking, but they aren't all that bright. As dense as they might be, they will eventually notice that adults have spent all the money, spread disease, and turned the planet into a smoky, filthy ball of death. We're raising an entire generation of dumb, pissed-off kids who know where the handguns are kept. This is not a good recipe for a happy future.

Some of my best friends are Venture Capitalists, but let's face it, a hamster with Alzheimer's could make those kind of numbers. It's great work if you can get it.