I rank money higher than social life or meaning because once you have money, those other things are easier to get. For example, you won't have much of a social life if you can't afford to do anything. And you can't make money if your health is a mess.

Never base your budget requests on realistic assumptions, as this could lead to a decrease in your funding.

Good ideas have no value because the world already has too many of them. The market rewards execution, not ideas.

You probably think Stephen Hawking is in that wheelchair because of a motor neuron disease. But if you got as much barely-legal student poontang as The Hawkster, you'd be in a wheelchair too.

My philosophy is that every phone conversation has a loser.

We know the goats are imported because they don't speak English.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.