You can never underestimate the stupidity of the general public.

The best way to compile inaccurate information that no one wants is to make it up.

Lately, the only thing keeping me from being a serial killer is my distaste for manual labor.

As a rule, I don't like to laugh at the misfortune of others. The exception to that rule is if it's really, really funny.

In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car.

You're thinking I'm one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I'm not. I say its a free country and you should be able to kill yourself at any rate you choose, as long as your cold dead body is not blocking my driveway.

If our mushrooms make you hallucinate, please inform us immediately so we can overcharge you.