On the fourth day of telecommuting, I realized that clothes are totally unnecessary.

If our mushrooms make you hallucinate, please inform us immediately so we can overcharge you.

When you hire that first person, then you're a boss. You've got performance reviews. You've got complaints about not making enough money. You've got people who are just going to sell your story to the tabloids.

My philosophy is that every phone conversation has a loser.

Highly intelligent and well-informed people disagree on every political issue. Therefore, intelligence and knowledge are useless for making decisions, because if any of that stuff helped, then all the smart people would have the same opinions. So use your "gut instinct" to make voting choices. That is exactly like being clueless, but with the added advantage that you'll feel as if your random vote preserved democracy.

If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done.

Most success springs from an obstacle or failure. I became a cartoonist largely because I failed in my goal of becoming a successful executive.