On the fourth day of telecommuting, I realized that clothes are totally unnecessary.

If you don't believe your salmon is wild, ask it to fetch your newspaper and see what happens.

I was surprised to learn that doing household chores qualifies as romantic for most of you [women]. That's exactly why you should never hire a butler if you strike it rich - the minute that Jeeves starts unloading the dishwasher without being asked, your wife is going to start humping his leg.

Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.

For five hundred dollars, I'll name a subatomic particle after you. Some of my satisfied customers include Arthur C. Quark and George Meson.

The people who think a guy walked on water versus the people who think a horse can fly.

Hard work is rewarding. Taking credit for other people's hard work is rewarding and faster.