As long as there are annoying people in the world, I won't run out of material.

My old life - no amount of getting used to it would have made it right.

We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.

For five hundred dollars, I'll name a subatomic particle after you. Some of my satisfied customers include Arthur C. Quark and George Meson.

People are so conditioned to take sides that a balanced analysis looks to them like hatred.

I was surprised to learn that doing household chores qualifies as romantic for most of you [women]. That's exactly why you should never hire a butler if you strike it rich - the minute that Jeeves starts unloading the dishwasher without being asked, your wife is going to start humping his leg.

The Cheesecake Factory is a great business model, but if you take your wife there for your 25th wedding anniversary, you might not reach your 26th.