When virtual reality gets cheaper than dating, society is doomed.

Some of my best friends are Venture Capitalists, but let's face it, a hamster with Alzheimer's could make those kind of numbers. It's great work if you can get it.

People are idiots. Including me. Everyone is an idiot, not just the people with the low SAT scores. The only difference is that we're idiots about different things at different times. No matter how smart you are, you spend much of your day being an idiot.

As long as there are annoying people in the world, I won't run out of material.

Women are treated differently by society for exactly the same reason that children and the mentally handicapped are treated differently.

There are always deadlines I have to meet. I don't let myself get too close to the deadlines, so it's not like I'm just sweating bullets or anything if the clock is ticking. I never let myself get in that situation.

If you haven't already told your kids 'don't fellate the president' then you're probably a bad parent.