The job isn't done until you've blamed someone for the parts that went wrong.

Ask a deeply religious Christian if he’d rather live next to a bearded Muslim that may or may not be plotting a terror attack, or an atheist that may or may not show him how to set up a wireless network in his house. On the scale of prejudice, atheists don’t seem so bad lately.

For most of my career I did one comic a day, every day, including weekends and holidays.

A matador is a guy who didn't have enough people skills to be promoted to serial killer.

I had several different bosses during the early years of 'Dilbert.' They were all pretty sure I was mocking someone else.

Boss: I just heard that light travels faster than sound. I'm wondering if I should shout when I speak, just so my lips appear to sync-up with my words.

Recently I quit caffeine. My doctor seems to think that 17 Diet Cokes per day is too much. In case you ever consider getting off caffeine yourself, let me explain the process. You begin by sitting motionlessly in a desk chair. Then you just keep doing that forever because life has no meaning.