Dilbert: It took weeks but I've calculated a new theory about the origin of the universe. According to my calculations it didn't start with a "Big Bang" at all-it was more of "Phhbwt" sound. You may be wondering about the practical applications of the "Little Phhbwt" theory. Dogbert: I was wondering when you'll go away.

If a job's worth doing, it's too hard.

A matador is a guy who didn't have enough people skills to be promoted to serial killer.

If you want to kill an idea without being identified as the assassin, suggest that the legal department take a look at it.

You already barely exist. Disappearing entirely won't be that much of a change.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

It's hard to argue with the government. Remember, they are they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women.