Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.

My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic.

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.

In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.

A bird in The Strand is worth two in Shepherds Bush

Aristocrats have heirs; the poor have children; the rest keep dogs.