Spike Milligan Quotes

We don't have anything planned, so nothing can go wrong.

If I don't eat soon, I'll die of hunger; and if I die, I won't eat soon.

I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)

There is a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, and at no time are the three of them very far apart.

I cannot stand being awake, the pain is too much.

The most difficult book I have ever read was a manual on the use of iron bangles by A.J. Thompson.

We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.

I'm a hero with coward's legs.

Listen, someone's screaming in agony- fortunately I speak it fluently

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

I told you I was sick.

In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

Render any politician down and there's enough fat to fry an egg.

Only on the third class tourist class passengers' deck was it a sultry overcast morning, but then if you do things on the cheap you must expect these things.

Australia, Australia, we love you from the heart. The kidneys, the liver & the giblets too. And every other part.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.

General: Where are you from? Spike: London. General: Which part? Spike: ... Well, all of me.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Said Hamlet to Ophelia, I'll draw a sketch of thee. What kind of pencil shall I use? 2B or not 2B?

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.

For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic.

If you kill me, I promise you - you will never take me alive.

This silent call you make, A silence so loud I fear the world knows it's meaning If you fill every corner of a room Where can I look? If I close my eyes the silence becomes louder! There is no escape from you The only way out is in

I'm Irish. We think sideways

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

Archduke Franz Ferdinand Found Alive! First World War a Mistake!

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!

I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Education isn't everything, for a start it isn't an elephant

I'm a hero wid coward's legs, I'm a hero from the waist up.

A bird in The Strand is worth two in Shepherds Bush

Any man can be 62, but it takes a bus to be 62A.

I have got so low that I have asked to be hospitalized and for deep narcosis (sleep). I cannot stand being awake. The pain is too much... Something has happened to me, this vital spark has stopped burning - I go to a dinner table now and I don't say a word, just sit there like a dodo. Normally I am the centre of attention, keeps the conversation going, - so that is depressing in itself. It's like another person taking over, very strange. The most important thing I say is 'good evening' and then I go quiet.

It was a perfect marrige. She didn`t want to and he couldn`t

Her mother was a cultivated woman - she was born in a greenhouse

Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

One day the "Don't Knows" will get in and then where will we be?

On the Ning Nang Nong Where the Cows go Bong! And the Monkeys all say Boo! Theres a Nang Nong Ning Where the trees go Ping! And the tea pots Jibber Jabber Joo On the Nong Ning Nang All the Mice go Clang! And you just cant catch em when they do! So its Ning Nang Nong! Cows go Bong! Nong Nang Ning! Trees go Ping! Nong Ning Nang! The mice go Clang! What a noisy place to belong,Is the Ning Nang Ning Nang Nong!

Its all in the mind, you know.