I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

If you kill me, I promise you - you will never take me alive.

One day the "Don't Knows" will get in and then where will we be?

Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.