I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)

Only on the third class tourist class passengers' deck was it a sultry overcast morning, but then if you do things on the cheap you must expect these things.

Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

Any man can be 62, but it takes a bus to be 62A.

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.