You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.

Archduke Franz Ferdinand Found Alive! First World War a Mistake!

A bird in The Strand is worth two in Shepherds Bush

I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)

I cannot stand being awake, the pain is too much.

I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.